this is the 3rd incoming moment again. i expected this alr, but i don't want to face it. i CAN'T. i don't have anymore energy to do this anymore... Fuck... i'm just so tired now..

was hoping to go GP later to ask for the medication because i'm too tired to fight by myself anymore.. and what makes me feel like more like shit is when my classmates are like "clinic is okay what, just do as per normal." and my mum just ask me to pray this certain prayer and she say it will make all your fear go away and she keep saying that whenever i told her i'm scared over and over again. the prayer doesn't help, if it does, i won't have any problems now would i. what is this bullshit. i don't care whether i get addicted to the drug or not, i just want this thing to go away and fuckin scram from my life and stop playing hide-and-seek with me.

i guess this is the bad part of becoming less religious, i have lesser barriers in my mind to stop my suicidal thoughts. last time whenever this happened, i would scold myself and repeated some verse in Quran abt how this will make me and my mum go to hell or whatever, but too bad, i don't believe in that shit anymore. i don't know what to believe anymore.i just ...

i have to stop now and gather my thoughts for tomorrow. i'm scared to wake up. i hope i don't. but it seems i keep waking up every single time.. i need to prepare for tomorrow and bury these feelings and thoughts at home first. can't let it get out to school or i..